I’m not posting much because I’m busy throwing myself an epic pity party. I’m depressed over legit stuff, which our society currently seems to have less patience for than people who are clinically depressed over imaginary stuff or circumstances they created for themselves. Two years ago I asked God for a way to prevent something like this. He started answering then went out for a pack of cigarettes or something.
I’m sure He has a plan. I think it will be over soon. I’ve been through times like this before and the nervous breakdown usually comes right before the resolution, but right now I can’t seem to focus… on anything. I’ve tried to just snap out of it, and I can’t. I’m doing my best to not spread whatever this is, but I’m not doing very well. Then I feel like an asshole for that. I’m really sorry about what anyone who shares physical space with me right now is dealing with.
I miss my dad. I think if he was here he’d tell me to get my ass out of bed and be nice to my mother, but I don’t think he’d try to convince I shouldn’t be pissed or hurt or frustrated about the things I’m pissed and hurt and frustrated about.
I haven’t lost my faith, but it’s hanging by a thread. It might sound strange, but what doesn’t help is being reminded that God is in control of this, regardless of what the truth is. I can’t praise God in this storm. I know I should, but I can’t. I’m forcing myself to go through the motions of being a Christian, but I need to be allowed to not think about God while in this frame of mind, which comes and goes. It makes things worse. It makes me angry with Him, even though intellectually I understand he isn’t doing or allowing these things just to screw with me, but it feels that way and fighting that is exhausting.
Also on the list of things I’d rather not discuss are any election, a handful of naughty secret service agents and whether or not a white guy killed a black guy because he’s black especially when said white guy isn’t that white.
Housekeeping note: I guess sometimes if people are subscribed to comments they get emails about comments in moderation, including retweets. I shut off that function, but it didn’t seem to take. Anyway, I’m working on it. Sorry.