Hey you guys, remember when I had walking pneumonia a month or so ago?  I spent the time barely keeping my family alive, guzzling Nyquil and watching true crime.  The pneumonia is gone and my family is thriving (well, in comparison), but my new obsession remains.  I can’t stop watching Investigation Discovery, and I have increasing anxiety that they will run out of deplorable crimes to re-enact for me.  Yes, I realize this may go into the realm of demented that just isn’t funny anymore.

Regardless, I’m trying out a “True Crime Thursday” thing.  Notice it’s not plural.  I know I lack follow through.  I’m starting with what is arguably the most disgusting thing to ever hit a news wire.  The German People Eater.

THE BACKSTORIES

Hitchcock would have had a field day with this.  Armin Meiwes led a rather pathetic life.  Until shortly before his “big banquet” he’d lived in a huge, dilapidated 700 year old house in rural Germany with his overbearing mother.  He’d even managed to serve in the military while still living at home.  He had 2 older brothers who had flown the coop years before.

It seems in his very small circle of acquaintances Meiwes was that guy everyone always suspected was gay, but no one really knew for sure.  What no one definitely ever suspected was that Meiwes had fantasized about cannibalism since childhood, specifically his regarding his friends so “they’d be with him forever”.  Shortly after his mother’s death in 1999 he started frequenting cannibalism websites and message boards (the internet has everything) going by Franky, the name of his childhood imaginary younger brother.  His neighbors were please to finally him doing some repairs on the house.  Secretly, one of these projects was a slaughter room.  He’d had several volunteers over to the house for cannibal role play, but none were willing to go all the way.

Meanwhile, Bernd Brandes’ life as a software engineer in Berlin was going through some pretty major changes.  After the end of a long-term relationship with a woman he became obsessed with his appearance, working out obsessivley and shaving his head upon discovery he was balding.  He then set down a path, that’s still a bit unclear to me, that ended with a younger live in boyfriend.  Like Meiwes, Brandes’ friends and family had no idea he was also frequenting cannibalism websites under the handle, Cator99.  And then what happened?

MOST INDECENT PROPOSAL EVAH!

Brandes began posting solicitations for someone to kill and cannibalize him (not necessarily in that order).  That part is important.  This was Brandes’ idea.  Meiwes obliged.  On 3/9/01 Brandes travelled to Meiwes’ home.  The plan was to amputate Brandes’ you-know-what and dine on it together. (Feel free to take a minute to absorb that).  I guess it was too tough to eat raw.  Meiwes tried to fry it, but the man is just not a chef.  It was inedible.  Didja catch that?  Brandes’ dreams of dining on his own dismembered member were never realized.

While waiting for Brandes to bleed out, Meiwes went downstairs and read a Star Trek novel.  3 hours later Brandes was still alive.  Meiwes stabbed him in the throat and basically dressed and packaged him like a 7 point buck.  He ground the bone into flour, froze most of the meat and buried the rest in his garden.  He dined on Meiwes flesh over the next 5 months until he returned to the cannibalism sites.  To lure his next volunteer he started detailing his crime.  Someone called the police.  By the way, during this time Brandes’ friends and family were worried sick, racking their brains to figure out what could have happened.  He really seemed to have vanished off the face of the Earth.  

BUSTED

While searching “Club Cannibal” the police found a lot of disgusting things, but they seemed to have missed the video of the crime.  (We should be very grateful this happened pre-youtube).  Nevertheless, Meiwes confessed to his attorney and turned the video over to the police.

You’d think this would be an open and shut case.  Not so much.  The defense was that this is not murder because Brandes’ was a willing participant.  Ya know, like assisted suicide with benefits.  Meiwes was eventually convicted of manslaughter only because the death was caused by the stab wound and not the dismemberment.  He was sentenced to 8 years in prison.  Don’t worry, he is no longer a danger to society.  He is now a vegetarian.

THE FANS

Of course there are.  There are 6 facebook fan sites totalling 377 members.  Granted, not a lot by Facebook standards, but HE ATE SOMEONE!  About half the sites are vehicles advocating for his freedom.  They’re interesting in the same way that lady that released all those doves outside the courthouse after the Michael Jackson trials was interesting.  Here are some quotes (Dennis Miller might even call one of them “the soup bone quote”).

 I wish he wasn´t gay…. I love him so muuuch! I would totally ask him to marry me!! - Helen Meiwes

I Think He Should Be Released As, At The Time The Laws On Cannibalism Was That It Was Not Illegal. And Bernd Was A Willing Victim.
Plus There Is No Chance Of Another Death By The Hands Of Him As He Is Now Vegitarian. ” – Chelsy Fsmithfox

We need to remember that no matter what we do, we are all animals inside, hungry and carnal animals, and some should not be punished for releasing the animal inside! -Ryan Boarman

There are also various YouTube tributes.  The follow videos are a 5 part series detailing all the gory details.

And if you’ve read this far you cannot judge me.